The Twin Pillars of Depression

“Once you choose hope, anything is possible.” – Christopher Reeve

There are two pillars upon which depression rests.

Helplessness

When in the grip of depression, we feel helpless despite our efforts to pull out. The more we struggle, the more exhausted we become. In her book Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert writes, “They flank me – Depression on my left, loneliness on my right. They don’t need to show their badges. I know these guys very well, but then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there.”

Hopelessness

Helplessness often leads to profound hopelessness about the future. In her book Prozac Nation, Elizabeth Wurtzel writes, “That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious and compounds daily that it’s impossible ever to see the end.”

What I have learned over the past twenty years of living with depression is we need to chisel away at these twin pillars. I began to discover helplessness and hopelessness are disempowering: I had no choice but to live my days under this rock of sadness. My healing involved learning that I did have options in how I related to life when depressed. And I found this power to choose empowering and life-affirming.

How did I leave helplessness and hopelessness behind?

Depression’s “Crooked Thinking”

For fifteen years, I had a therapist named Jerry. He was brilliant, with a salty sense of humor and a Bronx accent. At the end of each therapy session, he doled out big hugs.

Jerry taught me to recognize the thought patterns of my depression, which he called “crooked thinking.” In this process, I developed a sense of detachment from these thoughts. Before meeting Jerry, I used to feel depression was my identity; I could not separate it from my everyday experience of reality and who I was. Jerry once said, “Depression’s a terrible liar.” How true this is.

Psychologist Hara Estroff Marano writes:

“One of the features of depression is pessimistic thinking. The negative thinking is actually depression speaking. It’s what depression sounds like. Depression manifests in negative thinking before it creates negative effects. Most depressed people are not aware of the despair and hopelessness they feel are flowing from negative thoughts. Thoughts are mistakenly seen as privileged, occupying a rarefied territory, immune to being affected by mood and feelings, and therefore representing some immutable truth.”

Don’t Go Down the Rabbit Hole

I also learned depressing thoughts are ruminative, tumbling over and over again in my brain like clothes in a laundromat dryer.

I can now spot these patterns when they strike and see them for what they are: part of the disease of depression.

When I notice my thoughts going down the rabbit hole of depression, I detach and let them go. I see bubbles that arise and pass away.

I am not my depression. I have more inner strength than depression would have me believe. Albert Camus once wrote, “In the middle of winter, I finally discovered an invincible summer.

I don’t have to let my life be run by helplessness and hopelessness; in this realization, I summon my power to choose how I want to live my life.

By Daniel T. Lukasik